The Company that offers Confusion

The modern corporate environment is ripe sowing ground for word abuse. Primarily, the use of weasel words is becoming more and more prevalent. Weasel words are “… typically used to create an illusion of clear, direct communication.”

Some people become experts at using many words but imparting very little information. For some people, it’s almost a sport. If it were a sport, the following culprit would be qualified at an Olympic level.

A Word reader that (not surprisingly) wants to remain anonymous sent me this email exchange as an example of horrific word abuse. This is a real email conversation, though I use the word ‘real’ loosely, but our anonymous submitter deleted all the names to protect the innocent (and the weasels, I suppose). I’ve chosen new names for them that best describe the situation.

The first email followed a phone call and appears to be offering… something:

From: Weasel Wordsmith
To: Bemused Business
Subject: Meeting with Weasel Words Inc.

Weasel Words Inc. is the human capital solutions arm of Super Weasels international. Weasel Words Inc. is a world leader in providing innovative strategic human resource and talent management solutions. With significant expertise in your business arena, Weasel Words Inc. would like to make a presentation to Bemused Business outlining Weasel Words Inc.’s achievements that have been accomplished both domestically and internationally and how these relate to a number of challenges specifically identified in your business arena.

As discussed, I would like to set up a meeting for the Managing Director of Weasel Words Inc. and myself to meet with the appropriate Bemused Business person for early next year.

If you have any questions please feel free to contact me.

Kind regards

Weasel Wordsmith

Naturally, the recipient of the email needed some more information. Well, let’s be honest, any information at all would be a bonus:

From: Bemused Business
To: Weasel Wordsmith
Subject: Re: Meeting with Weasel Words Inc.

Weasel Wordsmith

Thank you for your email.

Can you please provide a bit more information about what you think Weasel Words Inc. can do for Bemused Business? Many thanks.

Regards

Bemused Business

I’m sure that person greatly regretted asking when this reply came through:

From: Weasel Wordsmith
To: Bemused Business
Subject: RE: Meeting with Weasel Words Inc.

Bemused Business

I have provided the following white papers for your information. As discussed on the phone, Weasel Words Inc. can provide multiple human capital solutions depending on the specific challenges faced by an organisation. In summary Weasel Words Inc. has three main business practices:

1. Strategic global multi-sourcing recruitment and performance assessment within a number of industry specific areas;
2. Strategic human resources consulting including business design modification and extensive experience in merger and acquisition integration; and
3. Corporate structure advisory that includes analysis of benefits of centralisation and shared services models and evaluation of a range of human and recruitment outsourcing solutions.

I note that Weasel Words Inc. has identified numerous avenues within companies like yours to increase their return on investment and Weasel Words Inc. would like to have the opportunity to present these solutions along with actual case studies to Bemused Business senior management.

I hope that you find this email useful.

Kind regards

Weasel Wordsmith

Well, I suppose it could be a useful email if Bemused Business were to print it out and tack it to the wall of a toilet cubicle on the offchance that the toilet paper delivery was ever late. Otherwise, it’s not worth the virtual ink it’s typed with. Seems to me that the company in question plans to turn up, point out a load of problems that don’t exist and subsequently charge for “solutions”. In summary, what a load of bollocks. I don’t know how anyone survives the corporate world. Just reading those emails made my brain bleed.

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4 thoughts on “The Company that offers Confusion

  1. I’m so glad I’m out of that world, however, the scars still remain as I understood most of that. I’m afraid to say it seems you do too as you’re summary is quite correct – they’re a consultancy company that will identify structure/organisation and staffing problems (and opportunities), then provide solutions for these to improve the business’ turnover and efficiency. Then they’ll send in an invoice for their services that will wipe out the past three years profit and force them to lose half their staff!

  2. Indeed. With the fundamental point being that the company in question would have been far better off all round if the “consultancy” company had never approached them in the first place.

    I wonder if I can set up a company to advise consultancy firms on ways to improve their business…

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