A Dictionary of the Near Future

I found this article called A Dictionary of the Near Future at the New York Times online thanks to Marc Pesce on Twitter. I love the things I find through Twitter – the interwebz is a playground of joy. This is an article by Douglas Coupland, who says, “The thing about the future is that it never feels the way we thought it would. New sensations require new terms…”

He then lists a whole slew of modern terminology, some of which is just awesome. Here, look for yourself:

AIRPORT-INDUCED IDENTITY DYSPHORIA Describes the extent to which modern travel strips the traveler of just enough sense of identity so as to create a need to purchase stickers and gift knick-knacks that bolster their sense of slightly eroded personhood: flags of the world, family crests, school and university merchandise.

ANTIFLUKE A situation in the universe in which rigid rules of action exist to prevent coincidences from happening. Given the infinite number of coincidences that could happen, very few ever actually do. The universe exists in a coincidence-hating state of antifluke.

BELL’S LAW OF TELEPHONY No matter what technology is used, your monthly phone bill magically remains about the same size.

BLANK-COLLAR WORKERS Formerly middle-class workers who will never be middle class again and who will never come to terms with that.

CHRISTMAS-MORNING FEELING A sensation created by stimulus to the anterior amygdala that leaves one with a strong sense of expectation. (See also Godseeking)

CLOUD BLINDNESS The inability of some people to see faces or shapes in clouds.

COMPLEX SEPARATION The theory that, in music, a song gets only one chance to make a first impression. After that the brain starts breaking it down, subdividing the musical experience into its various components — lyrical, melodic and so forth.

COVER BUZZ The sensation felt when hearing a cover version of a song one already knows.

CRYSTALLOGRAPHIC MONEY THEORY The hypothesis that money is a crystallization or condensation of time and free will, the two characteristics that separate humans from other species.

DENARRATION The process whereby one’s life stops feeling like a story.

DESELFING Willingly diluting one’s sense of self and ego by plastering the Internet with as much information as possible. (See also Omniscience Fatigue; Undeselfing)

DIMANCHOPHOBIA Fear of Sundays, a condition that reflects fear of unstructured time. Also known as acalendrical anxiety. Not to be confused with didominicaphobia or kyriakephobia, fear of the Lord’s Day.

FICTIVE REST The inability of many people to fall asleep until after reading even the tiniest amount of fiction.

FRANKENTIME What time feels like when you realize that most of your life is spent working with and around a computer and the Internet.

GODSEEKING An extreme version of Christmas Morning Feeling.

GRIM TRUTH You’re smarter than TV. So what?

Brilliant, eh? And that’s just up to G. For I through Z, and the original article, click here.

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