Signs

Wheel of fail

By
2
March 24, 2010

Sometimes words just like to mess with your head.

epic fail wheel of fortune fail Wheel of fail

Independent grocer branches out into prostitution

By
15
March 22, 2010

I went up to the local IGA independent grocer this morning to get some milk and bread. I was quite surprised when I saw this van parked outside delivering. I thought, ‘Well, that’s some thinking outside the box right there.’:

mitchells whores1 Independent grocer branches out into prostitution

(Yes, of course it was actually “Mitchell’s Wholesale Provedores.)

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Oh, the crushing irony

By
5
March 10, 2010

epic fail grammar fail Oh, the crushing irony

And you think spec fic nerds are weird

By
0
February 16, 2010

I followed this car into a car park the other day. It had two stickers on the back window. On the passanger side was this:

wife likes trains And you think spec fic nerds are weird

Likes as in “likes”? And on the driver’s side was this one:

husband collects trains And you think spec fic nerds are weird

Weird, slightly religious train spotting nerds? Hornby model train nerds? Bizarre, whatever the truth. Makes Star Trek tragics seem relatively normal.

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Batman and Obama silliness

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2
February 16, 2010

(Thanks to Lynn Viehl.) Batman and Robin have an age-old writerly argument, and I take on the Obama style of expressing how I feel.

batman and robin adverbs Batman and Obama silliness

smug Batman and Obama silliness

From Batman Comic Generator and Obama Me.

So what, I’m in a silly mood. Normal service may resume at some point.

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Don’t you love Australia

By
4
January 8, 2010

3pm on a Saturday:

too hot Dont you love Australia

Ah well. I’ll go back another day when it’s cooler.

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Say what you mean

By
5
January 5, 2010

I love it when comments on packaging says things in completely bizarre ways. You’d think that a lot of thought would go into the wording on products, particularly when it’s just a single sentence here and there. I bought this today:

rocket 1 Say what you mean

Apparently I need to have a shower or something before I can eat it:

rocket 2 Say what you mean

I know, I’m a pedantic bastard.

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2009 keyword searches

By
7
December 30, 2009

My friend Michael recently did a post like this and it reminded me that I haven’t done one for a while. It basically boils down to entertaining yourself by looking at the various keyword searches that led people to your blog throughout the year. It’s amazing the things people search for online.

Michael blogged a lot this year about sexual ethics and had numerous very interesting searches ranging from “is it still necrophilia if i’m conscious” to “bisexual family orgy” to “how to do islamic stoning”. I can’t promise you anything quite so broken and disturbing. There is a lot of quite amusing stuff though. So, here we go:

Untitled 2 2009 keyword searches

The amount of Avatar related searches I had is simply astounding. That movie has certainly lodged in the peoples’ psyche for the moment. Literally thousands of hits to my site were from various searches like this one due my Avatar 3D review.

Untitled 31 2009 keyword searches

I hear ya, buddy. I hear ya.

Untitled 4 2009 keyword searches

Err…?

Untitled 51 2009 keyword searches

The bible code has answers for everything, clearly.

Untitled 6 2009 keyword searches

This came up a lot in various permutations, due to this post about black magic being used against the president of Indonesia. Allegedly. I was amused that there was an interesting spread of queries along similar lines:

Untitled 7 2009 keyword searches

Fight fire with fire.

Untitled 8 2009 keyword searches

Can’t leave out the old Hindus.

When it comes to obscurely academic searches, I thought this was pretty specific:

Untitled 91 2009 keyword searches

Then there’s the usual lesbian searches that I always get lots of. Don’t ask me why, I don’t think I post about lesbians all that much. Then again, I’ve just said the word twice in this post…

Untitled 101 2009 keyword searches

A carpet? Unless we’re talking about the Greeks, when it would be a population. Or perhaps an island. Suggestions?

Untitled 11 2009 keyword searches

And, if so, which part?

Untitled 12 2009 keyword searches

Sounds like someone is gathering ammunition before opening that closet door.

Untitled 13 2009 keyword searches

This came up in the comments of a post a little while ago. I think some people have a bit of a problem with the definition of acronym, though. Especially this person:

Untitled 14 2009 keyword searches

Might I suggest “U”? Oh, the irony.

Untitled 15 2009 keyword searches

Just as dumb. But happier, at least.

Untitled 161 2009 keyword searches

Presumably you mean Star Wars. I thought pretty much everything was inappropriate for Catholics.

Untitled 17 2009 keyword searches

These searches almost rivalled the Avatar searches for numbers. It’s all about the post that will not die. It was a harmless little whimsical post a year ago (almost to the day) about fools that dress up and pretend to be superheroes. Turns out they get upset easily and there’s an entire subculture going on and a bunch of people that take it very seriously don’t like being lumped in with the wannabe fools. That post is still getting comments as recently as this week! This search was probably more accurate:

Untitled 18 2009 keyword searches

Let’s move on.

Untitled 19 2009 keyword searches

What are they and where can I get some!?

Untitled 20 2009 keyword searches

Depends on the size of the post box, surely?

Untitled 21 2009 keyword searches

Sorry, mate. Can’t help you with that one.

Untitled 22 2009 keyword searches

Not so much a search as a statement.

Untitled 23 2009 keyword searches

You want dark fantasy stories about people fucking or are you just an angry person?

Untitled 24 2009 keyword searches

Stay away from Stephenie Meyer and you should be fine.

Untitled 25 2009 keyword searches

I’m not sure I want to know what this person actually meant.

Untitled 26 2009 keyword searches

Yeah, fuck ‘em. What have they ever done for us?

Untitled 27 2009 keyword searches

I’m not touching this one. My wife reads this blog.

Untitled 28 2009 keyword searches

You mean like this:

Untitled 30 2009 keyword searches

Untitled 311 2009 keyword searches

Yes. Yes he is.

Untitled 32 2009 keyword searches

I get this one all the time. And it still makes me laugh.

Untitled 33 2009 keyword searches

Is there such a thing? How do you measure it?

Untitled 34 2009 keyword searches

Hmm. Easier to measure, but I wouldn’t know anything about this.

Untitled 35 2009 keyword searches

Yes it is.

Untitled 36 2009 keyword searches

And yet you used it to make this point. Ooh…

Untitled 37 2009 keyword searches

Maybe step away from Google for a little while? Also, learn to use the word “seriously”.

Untitled 38 2009 keyword searches

I don’t think you’ll find any here, but let me know if you do.

Untitled 39 2009 keyword searches

A paragraph?

Untitled 40 2009 keyword searches

The scrotum is the world of the body? This implies an entire series of bodyparts covered in the World Of The Body. Might be quite interesting. A bit annoying that only scrotum wound up here though.

And finally, there’s this:

Untitled 41 2009 keyword searches

You cheap bastard! Buy the book and find out.

Happy new year everyone. I wonder what bizarre searches 2010 will bring.

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Might need to reschedule

By
4
November 28, 2009

I was walking from King’s Comics to Galaxy Books this morning before heading back to Freecon and saw this. It gave me a chuckle. Hundreds and hundreds of years of systematic indoctrination, persecution and abuse? They might need more than an hour to fix that.

 Might need to reschedule

I’m genetically obliged to post this

By
12
November 21, 2009

Just so you don’t think that I’m being plainly racist here, my British heritage makes me genetically obliged to post this. It’s something I can’t avoid, I was culturally committed from the moment I saw it. Here’s a Chinese taxi driver with a no holds barred approach to his work:

RefusalToCarry Im genetically obliged to post this

refuse to carry frenchmen and dogs

I’d love to know just what his experience was that caused him to have that sign made up. You can only assume that it wasn’t a single incident either. Or if it was a single incident, it must have been a doozy.

I just can’t understand what his problem is with dogs.

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The website of author Alan Baxter

Alan Baxter, Author

Author of horror, dark fantasy & sci-fi. Kung Fu instructor. Personal Trainer. Motorcyclist. Dog lover. Gamer. Heavy metal fan. Britstralian. Zetetic.

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