Funny

Star Trek – How It Should Have Ended

By
4
March 2, 2010

I’ll thank S F Signal for this one – how the Star Trek movie should have ended. This is originally from HowItShouldHaveEnded.com, which comes out with some pure gold. Their Lord Of The Rings one is a blinder. This one is also. Stay for the end!

Damn Wolfman movie ripping off Twilight

By
14
February 20, 2010

Yes, you read that right. One of the mailing groups I’m on was shocked by this recently, so I thought I’d share. A young Twilight fan wrote a letter to the website latinoreview.com. I had no idea there was a Latino Review site, but there you go.

This letter writer does nothing for the reputation of “young folk today”. She’s a die-hard Taylor Lautner fan and quite, quite dumb. Who the fuck is Taylor Lautner? Yeah, I wondered that too. Turns out he’s the guy that plays the werewolf in Twilight. I thought Twilight was all about sexually confused sparkly vampires or something, but apparently there are werewolves too. Anyway, this dumb teenager tries to rip Universal a new one by writing to complain about how they’ve shamelessly ripped off Twlight with this new Wolfman movie. (Yes, the remake of the 1941 movie, The Wolfman with Lon Chaney Jr and several others since).

I’ll just repost her letter in its entirety:

To whom this may concern:

This movie was a complete waste and I feel that it offends ALL Twilight Fans around the world, that including myself. For one, it was a COMPLETE remaking of the Wolf Pack from the Twilight Saga: New Moon. It gives the werewolves a bad name and makes them look like some deformed mutation of a rabid dog. I actually started to like werewolves after seeing Jacob Black and all his awesomeness on the big screen at the movies. That was until I saw your crappy remake of what you call to be a “were wolf”. I don’t see how you live with yourself for making it the way you did. If I made this movie, I would be ashamed to even admit that I owned it. How can a werewolf be killed with a silver bullet? Better yet, have you saw the transformation of the man that is “supposed” to be the wolf? He sits in some chair and his entire body turns in to some mutated freak. If you would watch the transformation of Jacob Black, (Taylor Lautner) he doesn’t come close to looking as fake, cheap and or mutated as the wolf man. You tell me, who looks to be the better werewolf. Your stupid Wolf Movie didn’t even make the top Movie for the charts; Valentines Day WITH TAYLOR Lautner! Get that this is MY oppinion and I felt I wanted to express it because I saw that your email was on your site. I wanted to let you know this is what i thought of the wolf man that sucks.
FREAKIN LAUTNER DID!

The Poser of who could never be even if they tried : ” Aka : Rabid poser Werewolf “The Wolf Man”
[She then includes a pic from the new Wolfman movie.]

OR My favorite: Taylor Daniel Lautner aka Jacob Black
[Followed by a pic of a pretty boy and a dog.]

TEAM JACOB- cuz hes a REAL WEREWOLVE!

Regards: Kayla Patterson (kayla—-@—–.com) Feel free to reply

And oh yes, they replied. There are over 500 comments and a lot of those are from idiots too. The letter itself, regardless of the content, hurts my brain. Are they still teaching English in school? Do kids still go to school? I’m guessing this one doesn’t.

Go here to read the whole post, along with Kayla’s pics. Seriously, young people today!

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Twitter sci fi geekery

By
2
February 18, 2010

I love Twitter. The things that happen there are great, especially when the big stars show themselves up to be geeks like the rest of us. A conversation between Simon Pegg and Nathan Fillion this morning cracked me up. For those not versed in geekery, Simon Pegg is the British comic genius behind TV shows like Spaced and movies like Shaun Of The Dead and Hot Fuzz. He was most recently in Star Trek, playing Scottie.

Nathan Fillion has been in numerous TV and movie roles, currently in Castle, but most famous (in geekdom) for playing Mal, the Captain of the Serenity in Joss Whendon’s series, Firefly.

On Twitter today:

@simonpegg I’m calling you out @NathanFillion. Your spaceship vs my spaceship. Last one to the crab nebula gets the beers in. Spacedock, 1 hour.

@NathanFillion Yo, @simonpegg, be reasonable! My ship was a filming set, while the Enterprise is obviously real. Perhaps a drinking contest?

@simonpegg @NathanFillion You’re on. To be honest, somebody keyed my nacelles so the old lady’s in the shop. I’ll get the first round in. Romulan ale?

Heh. Bless ‘em.

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And you think spec fic nerds are weird

By
0
February 16, 2010

I followed this car into a car park the other day. It had two stickers on the back window. On the passanger side was this:

wife likes trains And you think spec fic nerds are weird

Likes as in “likes”? And on the driver’s side was this one:

husband collects trains And you think spec fic nerds are weird

Weird, slightly religious train spotting nerds? Hornby model train nerds? Bizarre, whatever the truth. Makes Star Trek tragics seem relatively normal.

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Batman and Obama silliness

By
2
February 16, 2010

(Thanks to Lynn Viehl.) Batman and Robin have an age-old writerly argument, and I take on the Obama style of expressing how I feel.

batman and robin adverbs Batman and Obama silliness

smug Batman and Obama silliness

From Batman Comic Generator and Obama Me.

So what, I’m in a silly mood. Normal service may resume at some point.

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Of bald parrots and dogs

By
5
February 3, 2010

Very often, life is like the bald parrot. I’m often like the dog.

funny dog pictures wtf Of bald parrots and dogs

Scientology Quote of The Week

By
10
January 22, 2010

It’s been a while since I posted a quote of the week. However, sitting there this morning, reading the Sydney Morning Herald while enjoying my wife’s wonderful poached eggs, I did laugh when I read this one. (By the way, I wasn’t eating my wife’s breakfast. I was eating the eggs she so kindly made for me. She was enjoying her own breakfast. Aaaaanyway.)

Here in Australia, Senator Nick Xenophon is calling for an inquiry into the tax-exempt status of the Church of Scientology. He claims that it’s not a religious organisation but a criminal one. (At the very least it’s a very dangerous cult.) You can read plenty about the whole Xenophon thing in various places online.

In support of Xenophon’s campaign, Gerry Armstrong, a leading critic of Scientology, is coming to Australia. Armstrong is a guy that was a Scientologist and decided to write a biography of L Ron Hubbarb (the Founder of Scientology) to put to bed all the lies and misrepresentations about the science ficiton writer that once claimed the true path to wealth was through starting a religion.

Not surprisingly, when Armstrong began investigating all these “lies” to refute them, he found the opposite to be true. Armstrong says:

”There was all this material about him that had been discovered and I thought getting a biography published would be a a way of taking care of all the black propaganda, rumours and lies that had been published about him.

”Of course I discovered that the lies that I was trying to debunk were actually the truth and that Hubbard had lied to me and to all of us Scientologists and to the whole world.

”His whole history was a lie. His education, his military record, the antecedence of Scientology, his inveiglement in the occult prior to his creation of Scientology, his family, his daughter, his wife, his expeditions.

”He claimed to be a nuclear physicist – that had a lot of significance to me. The truth was that he flunked the one course in molecular phenomena. He never made it out of second year university. He was not a physicist, he was not a civil engineer, he was not a doctor, and he claimed to be all these things.”

He tried to have the church correct its records and the church in turn sued him. They lost the case with the judge deciding:

”The organisation clearly is schizophrenic and paranoid, and this bizarre combination seems to be a reflection of its founder. The evidence portrays a man who has been virtually a pathological liar when it comes to his history, background and achievements.

”The writings and documents in evidence additionally reflect his egoism, greed, avarice, lust for power and vindictiveness and aggressiveness against persons perceived by him to be disloyal or hostile.”

And then we come to the bit that really made me chuckle. In defence of all this Armstrong business, the church brushes it off claiming that Armstrong is a “disgruntled apostate.”

You think? It’s not like he was disgruntled and made up lies. He discovered all the lies and became disgruntled. There’s a fairly significant difference there.

Anyway, I’d like to see the Church of Scientology investigated for its tax-exempt status, but I won’t hold my breath. It would pave the way for all the other cults (like Islam, Catholicism and so on) to be investigated for their tax-exempt status.

While we’re on the subject. Well, I am anyway, I’d be surprised if anyone else is still reading. I have a plan for a better, fairer relationship with religions. Instead of automatically giving them tax exempt status, which is grossly unfair and anachronistic, have them pay tax and fill in a tax return like every other person and business. Then they can claim all their charitable acts back, same as any other person or business. It’s bollocks to consider their very existence and everything they do as charitable.

Just some food for thought.

For a good round up on what Scientology is all about and how it operates, here’s a fairly short yet detailed article, also from the Sydney Morning Herald today.

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A Little Killing at Pow Fast Flash Fiction

By
2
January 22, 2010

My nonsense yarn “A Little Killing” has been picked up by Pow Fast Flash Fiction. You may remember this story from a contest I entered a while ago. It took second place.

The contest was to write a piece of flash fiction (under 500 words) using three of the following words:

murder, mystery, fire, gates, cat, warlord, gold, dwarf, planet, ship

Just to be a smartarse I entered a whacky little tale using all ten words. Now Karen over at Pow has picked up the story for her new flash fiction site. You can find it here.

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Jay Lake’s larval stages of the writer

By
0
January 21, 2010

The wonderful Cat Sparks drew my attention to this one. Bloody funny. Mostly funny because it’s so bloody true! And naturally, you could replace the word “American” with any other nationality. In fact, you could just take the word “American” out altogether.

The larval stages of the common American speculative fiction writer

I have long observed that the common American speculative fiction writer (Scriptor americanus s.f.) goes through a number of stages during larval development, prior to emerging from their paper chrysalis as a full-fledged author. Drawing largely from my own experiences, as well as keen observation of the flocks and herds of writers who routinely migrate through Nuevo Rancho Lake, I hereby propose an initial atlas of these stages, with modest comments.

Additions, corrections, observations and footnotes are, as always, welcomed.

I could do better than this. A monkey could do better than this.

After re-reading volumes I through XVII of A Game of Throne-Captains of the Mystical Vagina of Time, the writer will exclaim, “I could do better than this! A monkey could do better than this!” Many amazing careers have been launched from this moment. It should be honored, much like any moment of conception, possibly by bunking out for a wet wipe and a smoke afterward.

This is harder than it looks. Kind of like last night’s sausage.

The writer often first imitates the text that first brought their pen to page, or fingers to keyboard, or crayon to butcher paper. Sometimes development at this point diverges into Fanfic americanus s.f, sometimes it results in efforts at novel creation, as well as the creation of novels. With luck, the writer soon learns that verb agreement matters, as does POV. Otherwise they become a romance author.

Hey, I get it! I get it!

The writer creates fiction that a close friend or family member actually likes. The first surge of confidence emerges. Possibly they seek out a workshop, or attend a convention for the first time as a would-be pro rather than a fan. They are proud and happy. The writer should cherish this moment, for they are in for a world of hurt to come.

Read the rest at Jay’s LiveJournal.

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I share this fear and reverence

By
3
January 19, 2010

As the alt-text for this cartoon says:

“That card holds a refrigerator carton’s worth of floppy discs, and a soda can full of those cards could hold the entire iTunes store’s music library. Mmmm.”

microsd I share this fear and reverence

I share that fear and reverence. It’s amazing that so much can be held in such a tiny space. Everything I’ve ever written could be stored on the tiniest MicroSD card with loads of room to spare. *shudder*

Original strip here, at the ever brilliant xkcd.com.

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The website of author Alan Baxter

Alan Baxter, Author

Author of horror, dark fantasy & sci-fi. Kung Fu instructor. Personal Trainer. Motorcyclist. Dog lover. Gamer. Heavy metal fan. Britstralian. Misanthrope. Learn more about me and my work by clicking About Alan just below the header.

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