Ah, humanity, you dichotomy, you

It says on the About page here that I’m an optimistic cynic. Sometimes it’s hard to be optimistic though. People can be so stupid. I was reading in the weekend SMH about this American-born Jew in Israel that “spends most of every day preparing for the arrival of the Messiah”. This guy is 44 year old Yehuda Glick and he oversees the “manufacture of the utensils the high priests will need when the day arrives”. Apparently they need all kinds of urns, trumpets and garments woven from golden thread. Because presumably the Messiah, literally “the promised and expected deliverer of the Jewish people” or Jesus to the Christians, will only be impressed by the most wealthy of his devoted followers. Here’s Yehuda Glick, showing off some riches:

yehudaglick
(Photo: AFP)

The Temple Institute, managing all this, has apparently spent US$27 million dollars on these preparations so far, all scammed from evangelical Americans touring Israel. A fool and his money and all that. They also have “a house of prayer open to all believers in the monotheistic faiths, Christians, Muslims or Jews.” Why just rip off your own when you can bring in cash flow from all the willfully ignorant?

The best bit of the whole thing for me, however, qualifies as the latest quote of the week. Glick was asked when we could expect the arrival of the Messiah, for whom all these millions of people are giving freely of their hard-earned.

Says Glick: “”That is a very good question. All that we know is that we are now living in the age of miracles and all of those miracles are predicted in the Book as happening on the eve of the end of days. It could well be tomorrow, but it might be another 100 years, or even 400 years.”

Right, you mean you have no fucking idea and don’t want to risk your funding drying up. The eve of the end of days could be four hundred years away? That’s a lot of days.

And then humanity proves itself to be the true dichotomy. While some loonies are gathering wealth on the back of a corrupted mythology, others are blaming future humans for sending birds back through time with baguettes to mess with the Large Hadron Collider. According to the dvice blog “two respected physicists” are blaming the latest LHC hiccough on a time-travelling bird. The great bread interruption was described thusly:

A speck of bread, which officials believe was originally part of a larger baguette. To make it all the more ridiculous, it’s thought that the piece of bread was dropped into the works by a bird.

The morsel found its way into the doomsday device’s outdoor machinery, sparking a temperature differential that triggered an automatic shutdown sequence.

(Wedge: That’s impossible! Even for a computer.
Luke: It’s not impossible. I used to bullseye womp rats in my T-16 back home, they’re not much bigger than two meters.)

Those two physicists mentioned above, Bech Nielsen of the Niels Bohr Institute in Copenhagen and Masao Ninomiya of the Yukawa Institute for Theoretical Physics in Kyoto, “theorize that there’s something so dangerous about the collider, time travelers are coming back to 2009 and sabotaging the experiment. They’re calling it ‘reverse chronological causation.'” Brilliant!

They have the power to send something back in time, so they send a bird that has to drop a piece of bread in exactly the right spot. How could that fail?

In the comments on the post many people are pointing out that if the LHC was so catastrophic there wouldn’t be anyone to send birds back anyway. Others have suggested that perhaps this means that there are aliens sending birds back to stop our LHC experiments in an attempt to save humanity from itself. So humanity is wiped out but the birds survive? I would suggest that maybe the LHC causes problems that take hundreds or thousands of years to recover from and it’s humans from all that time in the future that are sending back birds. Although I am a fan of the alien hypothesis.

But I’ll accept any of these explanations as entertaining and my faith in humanity is at least partially restored. Take that, Yehuda Glick!

There have been several bizarre interruptions to the whole LHC thing, so maybe our seeking of the elusive Higgs Boson does have further reaching implications. Regardless, it’s a far better use of human endeavour than swiping cash of fools and making gold jackets for the return of the zombie that’s his own father.

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8 thoughts on “Ah, humanity, you dichotomy, you

  1. Zombie? Somehow I don’t think it’s Jesus Mr Glick is waiting for. But I do love how he thinks we’re in the age of miracles now. Is that the “miracle of childbirth”?

    Actually many of the prophecies are of the “things will go to shit” kind. So because of the “kids these days” theorem, every generation’s had plenty who thought these apply to their generation (the VERY worst generation in history)

  2. I was talking about the zombie from the Christian viewpoint of the messiah. Don’t forget how inclusive Glick’s scheme is! And yes, everyone is living at the end of days as soon as they turn about 32 or so.

  3. Actually the sentiment on all sides of messianism is “we’ll take your money but you’ll still get your ass kicked for your misbeliefs when the messiah actually comes”. So I think Glick is probably also making some utensils so that when the messiah comes he’ll have something with which to scrape the ashes of the Christians, Muslims etc who donated to him.

  4. It’s assumed that the Messiah will return in human form, but maybe he’s taking on the form of birds to save us once again. Only this time it’s from the LHC. If the next interruption is from a fish scale, then I think we have some solid evidence – he already has previous when it comes to bread and fish.

    I think a time travelling bird is a far more likely explanation than say, Kevin, the maintenance engineer being sloppy with his sandwich at lunch, don’t you?

  5. Good call. I can just imagine Kevin: “Errr… no, I didn’t eat my lunch there. Must have been a time travelling bird. Or something.”

  6. I’d prefer that these (funda)mentalists prepared their urns and trumpets rather than get all uppity about other people’s choice to work on a Saturday – have you been hearing about this stuff?

  7. Yes, I have heard about these fools. We demand that YOU do things the way WE want them done. You watch them try to stand up for tolerance of others when something Jewish gets squashed in Palestine.

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