Friday Flash – One Thought
I have very little time this week, so I apologise if this little piece is not up to my usual standard. I pretty much wrote it and posted it in a single sitting, which is something I never usually do. I’m sure if I read it again in a day or two I’ll see loads of changes that I’d like to make. It’s more the exploration of an idea than anything else, a moment frozen in time. It’s a piece of imagery that I’ve had in my mind for a while now. I hope you like it.
One Thought
All kinds of thoughts tumbled through the back of Jaiden’s mind, struggling to reach the surface. The gruelling ass-kicking that went under the innocuous name of Basic Training. Sky-larking in barracks, playing pranks on each other, going out drinking whenever leave was granted. How the combination of hard work and fun had made him feel so alive, given him so much purpose.
The trade he was learning, being paid to get a university degree. Qualifications that would lead to great jobs back in civilian life. How he could never have afforded the education the army was providing him any other way.
He tried to think about Cally back home, how she smiled when she saw him. There was no light in the world like Cally’s smile. Something he wanted more than anything else in life was to see that smile on the face of a child. Their child.
Try as he might, all these thoughts were gossamer visions, background music for a still frame in the movie of his life. He tried to think of something else, anything else. But he was only going to have one thought for the rest of his life. One image in his mind. The gentle twist of smoke curling up from the barrel of his weapon. The identical curl of smoke rising from the hole in the chest of the man at his feet.
.
I like it. The last couple of line seal the deal for me.
Thanks Ben. The whole thing is a setup for the last two lines really.
Short but powerful piece of flash. The hurried posting really doesn’t show.
very intriguing! More? Good piece.
no need for apologies – here – cool feel and mood.
A lot going on in very few words. And you let the reader do the work. Well done.
I like it – smiles at you gently and then hits you on the head with a monkey wrench.
I made my first foray into #FridayFlash too (no bears this time)
Sweet! Look forward to what else you do with it as well. Agreeing with the rest of the commenters. Those last two lines. Pow. Very nice.
Powerful images, all of the goodness shoved aside by the brutal. Great piece.
I liked it. It was pretty intense and almost seemed like it was flirting with being a poem.
A snap shot in time to remember. I like your writing style and…cool blog.
Wonderful imagery. Tightly written and the last two sentences are Wow!
I always love reading you. And yes, this is on par with your others.
Really well done!
Thanks very much for all the positive comments everyone. I’m particularly pleased that it doesn’t seem to appear rushed. Not sure if I’ll develop it further as an idea but you never know.
Thanks again, you guys rule.
I liked it! I thought, for a minute, that the one thought was because he was dying and that was what flashed before his eyes. Nice way to twist it!
I was thinking all the way through…ALAN WROTE THIS? He has a soft mushy center???? Then the ending just about wrenched my heart out.
What a way to show how war damages people.
Great flash sir.
Very powerful punch in a very short piece.
[but you may have just ruined your rep...next week back to snot, spurting blood, beheadings, limb ripping, fangs...that sort of stuff ok? I feel slightly off balance ..]
Karen :0)
That’s a nice sketch.
Such a valid point. One soul-changing moment can taint all that you love in life. Sad snapshot, but well-crafted.
A pretty powerful piece, Alan. A lot of people go into the military hoping to get that college education and get a much more personal education. PTSD is all too real for so many men and women who serve. Keep ‘em in your thoughts.
~jon
Very nice! You had the sweet little story twisted away at the end. Just the way I like it.
Solid! Wasn’t sure where you were going, but when I got there – it was satisfying.
You sound like my wife.