My first #fridayflash effort
So, following yesterday’s post, here’s my first flash fiction piece for the #fridayflash community of writers and readers. Please feel free to share the link for this post around. As mentioned yesterday, this little yarn was my entry in the last ever Flash Fiction Contest over at Scribe’s runboard, which is closing down soon. The Scribe contests were always themed and the theme for this one was ‘forgiveness’. Love to hear what you think of it in the comments.
Forgiveness
I lay on the ground in the chill of my own cold sweat and all I could feel was trembling. Every muscle vibrated with uncontained, uncontrollable terror. My mouth was dry, lips dragging across sandpaper teeth as I tried to speak. “Please…,” was all I could manage. My elbows and tailbone began to throb icily from the impact of being slammed onto the hard asphalt.
Her face, a beautiful pale moon swimming above me, was vague through the haze of my fear. But deep, dark eyes and blood red lips stood out starkly through that fog of terror. Those lips parted in a feral smile. “Please? Please what?”
I drew a ragged breath. “Please…” The words stuck in my throat, like trying to cough up cotton balls. “Please, forgive me!”
She smiled again, broader this time. “Forgive you? For what? For thinking I was a victim? For dropping that rohypnol in my drink? For leading me out here in the dark where you thought that I would be your prey?”
I sobbed like a child, my blood running colder than the winter street beneath me. “Please!”
Her smile grew broader still. “Oh, I forgive you. It would be hypocritical of me to hold your hunter’s nature against you. No hard feelings, eh?”
My eyes widened, my hammering heart beating erratically as my mind tried to process what she had said. She laughed raucously, row upon row of razor sharp teeth standing bright against her scarlet lips. “Oh, I forgive you.”
.
Hehe, I had to go with the woman in this one. Loved it.
Very cool! I like the descriptive prose and the ending.
Benjamin, Bobby – thanks very much. Glad you liked it.
Great job…it sets the tone…very atmospheric for such a quick piece. I’m really interested in flash fiction lately and I know friends and writers Sephera Giron and Kealan Patrick Burke are taking stabs at it. Is the #fridayflash on Twitter doing flash fiction in 140 characters or less as well?
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Nice and creepy…I like it when the tables are turned. Welcome to #fridayflash, Alan!
Thanks – glad you liked it.
Dude totally deserved it. Nothing makes me happier than reading about badass women early in the morning. Great story; I hope to read more on Fridays
~2
Drew – sorry, missed your comment earlier, it went to spam. All your future comments will drop directly now. I’m glad you enjoyed my piece today, thanks for the kind words. The Twitter group is just one place to promote the #fridayflash community. Anything less than 1,000 words is flash fiction. Check out the Facebook group here for all the details.
2mara – Thanks. Badass women for breakfast – sounds good to me!
Oh, I agree with the above comments. I love when a woman turns the tables. Short, sweet, and creepy. Brilliant!
Many thanks. Seems people like a strong woman, even if she is a monster!
Great job with so few words. Shame the site is closing down.
Thanks, James. It is a shame that Scribe’s is closing – it’s been a good place to hang out. All good things and all that.
Welcome to #FridayFlash, Alan. This is a wonderful story. The descriptions are pure poetry, and her “hypocritical” line was awesome. Thank you for sharing.
very nice
Thanks Stephen, that’s very kind. Thanks also, kayanna.
I loved it Alan.
Very lush and icky. I liked how the weather and her tone go together. So cold.
I just entered a couple of flash fiction pieces in various contests.
Writing them prompted me to start a flash fiction feature called macabre mondays with murderous stories of less that 25,55, or 100 words.
I (famously) don’t tweet or have a facebook account, but I may just get a facebook just for the flash fiction thing while it’s still running. FUN!! Thanks for the heads up.
Karen :0)
Hi Karen – thanks, glad you liked it. I’ve had bits and pieces of flash fiction published here and there (I’ve actually got two pieces under consideration right now). I love the form – great way to experiment with writing and ideas. This #fridayflash thing will hopefully work to keep us writing little snippets that may eventually turn into longer works that we can sell, etc. Come on, catch up to the 21st Century and get yourself a Twitter and Facebook addiction.
I would *not* want to be on her bad side! Nicely written. Can we assume that because it’s first person, he lives to tell the tale of this encounter (not that he would want to …!)?!
Thanks PJ. As for the question, who knows…
Excellent. The setting, the pacing, the situation. You did a great job of putting the reader right there. I thoroughly enjoyed it.
Creepy, dark, and well-written. Yay!
Thanks, netta. I want people to be able to say what you said about all of my writing, flash, short stories or my novels: Creepy, dark, and well-written.
Something to aspire to!
Nicely done. Nice and dark. Good job keeping the pace while maintaining the elaborate descriptions.
Many thanks, Chris.
Very Cool! Now I only wonder what her idea of forgiveness is…
Joan – I’ll leave that to your imagination!
[...] My first #fridayflash effort – The Word – According To Me http://www.alanbaxteronline.com/2009/08/27/fridayflash-effort.html – view page – cached Author Alan Baxter on himself, his writing and the work of others — From the page [...]
Welcome to #fridayflash. That guy definitely had it coming. The image of row upon row of razor sharp teeth is a great closer. Top stuff.
Thanks Dan.
Dan, I had a look at your site and tried to leave a couple of comments. However, the anti spam word is half hidden and I can’t post the comment. Also, your Contact link appears to be broken. I hope you get this message!
Good story, Alan, and a nice launch into #fridayflash. Somehow I get the idea that being forgiven is not going to do this guy much good. I like the rows and rows of razor sharp teeth. Takes it out of the realm of the overused vampire and into a totally new space. Nice.
~jon
a ripper. good one!
Nice story! It’s always interesting to see the tables turned. You managed to give us a ton of story in just a few paragraphs, which was great.
J.M. – thanks, it was a deliberate effort to up-end an old trope.
Michael – Thank you.
Eric – Thanks. I love flash for this very reason. It really helps exercise the writing muscles and helps with all writing from flash to novels.
I suspect her forgiveness, which might even be real, isn’t going to help our hero all that much.
A lot of story delivered in a very small package. Nicely done. And dropping the reader into it just after he had been dropped on his tailbone – perfect.
Thanks KjM – glad you liked it. Although I’m not sure about “hero” in this scenario.
There’s an important lesson – don’t mess with the mantikhoras!
Very nice piece overall, theme is good, atmosphere is good and the cotton balls simile is something I might borrow
One thing popped out at me — “laughed raucously” — I’m not an adverb bigot at all, but that one I think robbed a bit of the horror on me. Just MHO!
I had to Google mantikhoras! Interesting critters.
Thanks for the comments – I’m always keen to hear feedback. And you have a point about raucously. Noted.
Everyone else has already said everything I could say, so I’ll leave it simple: Great story!
Thanks, Anthony.
Your vivid descriptions of the narrator’s physical symptoms of terror contribute to the suspense, and the reveal of what’s going on is well-earned.
Thanks, Judy.