2009 keyword searches

December 30, 2009

My friend Michael recently did a post like this and it reminded me that I haven’t done one for a while. It basically boils down to entertaining yourself by looking at the various keyword searches that led people to your blog throughout the year. It’s amazing the things people search for online.

Michael blogged a lot this year about sexual ethics and had numerous very interesting searches ranging from “is it still necrophilia if i’m conscious” to “bisexual family orgy” to “how to do islamic stoning”. I can’t promise you anything quite so broken and disturbing. There is a lot of quite amusing stuff though. So, here we go:

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The amount of Avatar related searches I had is simply astounding. That movie has certainly lodged in the peoples’ psyche for the moment. Literally thousands of hits to my site were from various searches like this one due my Avatar 3D review.

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I hear ya, buddy. I hear ya.

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The bible code has answers for everything, clearly.

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This came up a lot in various permutations, due to this post about black magic being used against the president of Indonesia. Allegedly. I was amused that there was an interesting spread of queries along similar lines:

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Fight fire with fire.

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Can’t leave out the old Hindus.

When it comes to obscurely academic searches, I thought this was pretty specific:

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Then there’s the usual lesbian searches that I always get lots of. Don’t ask me why, I don’t think I post about lesbians all that much. Then again, I’ve just said the word twice in this post…

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A carpet? Unless we’re talking about the Greeks, when it would be a population. Or perhaps an island. Suggestions?

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And, if so, which part?

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Sounds like someone is gathering ammunition before opening that closet door.

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This came up in the comments of a post a little while ago. I think some people have a bit of a problem with the definition of acronym, though. Especially this person:

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Might I suggest “U”? Oh, the irony.

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Just as dumb. But happier, at least.

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Presumably you mean Star Wars. I thought pretty much everything was inappropriate for Catholics.

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These searches almost rivalled the Avatar searches for numbers. It’s all about the post that will not die. It was a harmless little whimsical post a year ago (almost to the day) about fools that dress up and pretend to be superheroes. Turns out they get upset easily and there’s an entire subculture going on and a bunch of people that take it very seriously don’t like being lumped in with the wannabe fools. That post is still getting comments as recently as this week! This search was probably more accurate:

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Let’s move on.

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What are they and where can I get some!?

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Depends on the size of the post box, surely?

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Sorry, mate. Can’t help you with that one.

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Not so much a search as a statement.

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You want dark fantasy stories about people fucking or are you just an angry person?

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Stay away from Stephenie Meyer and you should be fine.

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I’m not sure I want to know what this person actually meant.

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Yeah, fuck ‘em. What have they ever done for us?

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I’m not touching this one. My wife reads this blog.

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You mean like this:

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Yes. Yes he is.

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I get this one all the time. And it still makes me laugh.

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Is there such a thing? How do you measure it?

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Hmm. Easier to measure, but I wouldn’t know anything about this.

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Yes it is.

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And yet you used it to make this point. Ooh…

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Maybe step away from Google for a little while? Also, learn to use the word “seriously”.

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I don’t think you’ll find any here, but let me know if you do.

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A paragraph?

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The scrotum is the world of the body? This implies an entire series of bodyparts covered in the World Of The Body. Might be quite interesting. A bit annoying that only scrotum wound up here though.

And finally, there’s this:

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You cheap bastard! Buy the book and find out.

Happy new year everyone. I wonder what bizarre searches 2010 will bring.


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7 Responses to 2009 keyword searches

  1. Dave on December 30, 2009 at 6:05 pm

    Heck, I can tell you the plot of RealmShift: A carpet of lesbians go off in search of an acronym for the word dumb. They buy some brain shoes from an idiot named George Pell, but they don’t work. Suddenly, they are accosted by a group of Catholics who claim that lesbianism is merely a way in which Satan uses women.
    The lesbians explain that they are actually gay for very good reasons: one got sick of her husband because he was the fastest f*c# in the world; another got tired of her boyfriend dressing up like a superhero and trying to be the most powerful f*&% in the world; the third was simply attracted to wetnakedwomen.

    They lure the Catholics into a screening of the Phantom Menace. Having forgotten their Avatar 3d glasses, the Catholics have no defense against George Lucas’s stupidity, and lapse into a coma. The auctioneers of Satan sell them to Muslim practitioners of black magic.

    The lesbians, now desperate for an acronym, search all the small post boxes until they find a book by that awful writer Dan Brown. Convinced that all Dan Brown novels contain secret knowledge, they seek out the help of that famous lesbian, Stephenie Meyer. Wanting to be taken seriously, she advises them that they can never obtain true knowledge until one of them grows a scrotum, which is, of course, the world of the body.

    They hit her with a shit sign and run away. Just as they are about to give up, they realize there is no point to their quest, because the English language makes no sense anyway. Feeling liberated, they set off to the World Cup to watch Sigourney Weaver and her nose take on a laughing donkey for the world championship.

    As they fade into the sunset, a Hindu mage picks up the sign with which they hit Stephenie Meyer. He looks at it and grins. That is, of course, where MageSign picks up.

    Sorry for the spoilers.

  2. Pasquin on December 30, 2009 at 6:11 pm

    A group of Lesbians? That would be a ‘tongue party’. :D

  3. alan on December 30, 2009 at 6:12 pm

    *applauds* Bravo, Dave. Brilliant!

    Pasquin, possibly.

  4. Leticia on December 30, 2009 at 8:58 pm

    Mine were all very bland – mostly searches for interviews, bands, publicists, music journalism courses, and so on. All incredibly relevant to the actual content of my blog.

    BUT there were two slightly interesting ones::

    “stomach gurgled” “so hungry”
    I have no idea why that came to my blog. Or what they were searching for besides food.

    marilyn manson perth transport
    I blogged about Manson being potentially banned in Perth… dunno where the transport thing comes in. LOL

  5. alan on December 30, 2009 at 9:27 pm

    Maybe someone thought he was coming to Perth and wanted to intercept his motorcade?

    I’m clutching at straws here!

  6. Felicity on January 2, 2010 at 11:20 pm

    BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA – I thank’ee for the belly laughs! I get some funny keyword searches myself. (What is WRONG with people?!)

  7. alan on January 2, 2010 at 11:32 pm

    I ask myself that all the time.

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